Thursday, November 21, 2013

Feeling Inadequate

Well that did not take long, only 3 sessions in and I am beginning to question myself. Morgan is telling me it is scare tactics to weed out the less capable. I don't know if it is true or not, it really doesn't matter. I have never been able to connect with people on an emotional level. Ask any woman I dated...I can't read people unless they talk to me and speak in plain English what they want or what their problem is. Oh right, you are probably ignoring everything I just said and focusing on WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED IN SESSION 3?! Abuse, neglect, and everything wrong in the world happened in session 3. If anyone who has a heart attended that session, their stomachs would churn, their hearts would sink, and if they are anything like me, they would feel helpless in solving the worlds problems.

Let me just interrupt this with a comic relief story, with a story told to us during session 3. Child A and child B are born at the same time, both from new parents, A however has a strong marriage, and B, well B not so much. A did whatever they could to meet the needs for their child, B not so much, B could not really put up with their child so they turned to the MARIJUANA and that made them ignore their child even more. I get it, it was less about the drug and more about the neglect, it was just a very humorous insert into the story....I can think of many things that would be more dramatic and effective at abuse. You know like smoking (not vaping), and alcohol for starters.

Now that you have a half smile, let me crush it. I over simplify feelings, because I don't understand them. I can tell you that child B suffered neglect and abuse, as to the specific kinds of abuse/neglect, I could not answer any questions during the story, nor could I respond with what child B was feeling, other than crappy and miserable.

Every movie and story was mostly about a male figure being the abuser, it scares me to think that I would be a monster in some children's eyes, just because I'm not female. This fact worries me that because of my emotional detachment from everyone I won't be able to do this. I don't mean to say I am a robot, I am a fun and loving guy, I enjoy every moment I have with my daughter (even when she is super duper annoying) and I want to have more children. I just wont be able to help someone who is, I hate to say, damaged, I won't be able to identify what is wrong, without being told what is wrong.

I really hope that this week break I will have for thanksgiving will allow me to breath and think about it. I will be surrounded by my immediate family next week, and it could not come at a better time, they are my pillar, my support. If I ever thought I was not capable of accomplishing something, they are there to encourage and believe in me. If they think I can't do something, they help teach or show me the way on how I can.

On a completely off subject post ending daughter is awesome. Thank you so much for getting me sick, I love it.....this feeling is so good to have just before a big trip. You are the best COUGH COUGH BLARGH.

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